You will spend over 25 years of your life sleeping
Over 10.3 years working. Almost 9.1 years watching TV
Over 4.3 years driving a car. And almost 1.5 years in the bathroom
That adds up to 48 years in an average life span of 78 years
That leaves 30 years, or 10,950 days, or 260,000 hours for happiness
Instagram is calling. #Blessed
Did you like that?
I bet you did.
Yeah, it was good, but you know what's even better?
The stuff we're making.
like Max Quasar - non-linear, erotic space opera with a comedic twist.
You can hear all about that, and so much more, on our spam-free Centauri Publishing Newsletter.
Sign up below.
So, it seems like you didn't sign up for the newsletter...
No. No, it's cool. You know, I'm fine. I'm not sweatin' it or anything.
Did I mention the newsletter sends out coupons for free books and has math puzzles.
Sexy math puzzles + information about sexy books.
You know what? I probably should have mentioned that before.
It's my bad. And now you're regretting not signing up.
Well, why don't we give this another chance, you can sign up below.
So... you chose not to do the newsletter, again.
It's fine. It's perfectly all right.
I mean, I have so many fans anyway. Like, too many... So whatever.
Some people just don't like laughter... Or sex... Or mind-bending, amazing literature...
Oh, you do like those things?
Then, I think you know what to do.
OK. OK. So maybe I was over-selling it.
Maybe the books aren't 'amazing' or 'literature.'
And maybe you didn't really like that little bit at the top.
But I have better stuff. Not "amazing literature" necessarily, but great, sex romps through space.
And other very good sci-fi.
My mother even told me, 'it's above average' and that's the nicest thing she's ever said to me.
So you know it's good.
Please, just your email, below.
You know, it's not just writing.
There's Max Quasar art too. Like, good art.
We're talking professional quality here. No expense spared.
But you wouldn't be interested in that...
Oh? What's that?
You want a little taste, huh?
A scrumptious tidbit before you sign up for this awesome newsletter.
Yeah, all right. I can help you out.
You're not going to find that just anywhere.
I mean, I hope you do, I've been putting it online everywhere.
But there's more.
And all you have to do is enter an email address.
I get it.
You think I'm a spammer or some teenage hacker in a basement.
This mailing list is 100 percent spam free.
I'm not going to sell my precious fans' information to some Russian hackers.
I mean, where do you even find those Russian hackers? And how much would they pay?
Not that much... right?
Anyway, that was probably why you weren't signing up.
So, once again, I guarantee that I will not sell your information if you sign up below.
Fine. I don't need you.
I don't even want you to sign up for this awesome newsletter.
Let's face it, you're not cut out for the Centauri Publishing Newsletter.
You probably don't even read books. You just watch videos of kittens.
Well, I have news for you. It's all fake.
Those kittens are paid actors. Their cuteness is mostly CG.
That's how Bobby Moynihan got started before SNL.
Your life is pathetic.
So why not make it better with this newsletter.
You are one stupid piece of s**t.
You make me sick, scrolling endlessly down website pages.
You probably read the douchebag newsletter. Too busy with the douchebag newsletter.
Got to know the latest and greatest in douching, right douchebag?
Or you're reading the newsletter below, which is from some other guy.
It's the one where you sign up, and he gives you a million dollars.
Well done, Einstein.
You figured it out.
Fine, I admit it - the previous newsletter isn't the one from the guy who gives you a million dollars.
It was mine.
The newsletter below is the one for the million dollars.
OK. OK. You win.
No more tricks.
The truth is, I do need you. I need you desperately.
Not in a sexual way, unless that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want.
I may not be a hacker, but I am in a basement.
And I'll never get out of this basement unless I can sell people my books.
I promise you'll enjoy the books. I know you read. You're a smart person.
I mean, you scrolled this far, after all.
Please, I'm begging you - from the bottom of my heart and the bottom of my mom's basement.
Well, I guess that's it then.
If you haven't signed up yet, you're probably not going to.
I just thought, maybe you and I could be friends.
I don't leave this basement, since I have no where to go.
But still, we can communicate through my stories.
My bizarre, erotic space operas that are full of violence and jokes.
Or just my normal sci-fi, which is the same, but slightly less graphic.
Well, what about following me on social media?
I tweet. And I swear I'm going to get this Facebook up and going soon.
I've also got this Smashwords author page:
And the Amazon one:
AND I HAVE THIS AMAZING NEWSLETTER!!!
I had to try, and I think you know that by now.
Hey, you know what.
You might not be reading my newsletter, or my books, or even my tweets.
But you read this.
So thank you from the bottom of this disgusting basement.
Your support means a lot, and to thank you properly, I'm going to give you what you really came for.
So here it is.
No more stalling.
The 1996 website for the Bob Dole campaign for president.
"More opportunities. Smaller government. Stronger and safer families"
Oh, and how about checking out those free books below...?