Black Hole in an ancient picture from NASA, a leader in space pics [Image via NASA]

Captain’s Log – The Black Hole And Jose

Posted on Posted in Captain's Log

Stardate: 2947195.538

Space Weather: Black hole causing an intense gravitational pull from which nothing can escape

Feeling: Nostalgic


Stopping at the black hole near Zenon V to dump out some Herbatal waste. As I watch the swirling masses of feces freeze in space and get sucked into the event horizon, I remember another black hole. And a dick named Jose.

Back in my Star Armada captaining days, I had to moonlight as a janitor on Earth while waiting to receive orders. There were budget issues and central command wasn’t paying the crew, especially members undergoing a court martial, typical robotic bureaucracy. Jose was my boss, and he was an idiot. It was an embarrassing time, almost as embarrassing as being a Star Armada captain.

While cleaning some toilets, I stumbled upon what I had thought was a legend – Zebulan’s sex pad. For people too young to remember, legend had it that Zebulan, one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy, had a taste for human women. To impress that most capricious of targets, the omnipotent being built a sex pad that would make Marquis de Sade blush.

The champagne-filled, zero-G, Jacuzzi utilized the latest quantum computing techniques to adjust jet flows and temperatures. The air was laced with several aphrodisiacs, everything from oyster to rock star blood. The wall art wasn’t wall art at all, but windows into artificial universes where time has no meaning and the galaxy’s most attractive creatures make love endlessly.

The sex pad was supposedly at the center of a black hole, one that looked just like the one near Zenon V. People went in but never came back out, because it was so good. Jose was one of the guys who believed that. But the truth was, the sex pad was much closer to Earth. I mean, it made sense on a lot of levels, black hole properties cost an arm and a leg, even for a being that has evolved past any need for limbs. Earth, on the other hand, was in a bad neighborhood, making real estate values a real bargain, especially around Jupiter.

Anyway, I managed to sneak into the sex pad, and it was everything the legend promised, and more. Truth is, I only left because of a misunderstanding between Zebulan and myself, not that I hold a grudge. In fact, I’ve maintained the sex pad’s secret location even to this day. I had better if I ever hope to put in a promising bid on StellarBnB.

As for that black hole, turns out it wasn’t a sex pad at all, just a black hole. I hope Jose is enjoying his existence as an infinitely tiny dot of smooshed matter.

Thinking of that brings a smile to my face. It’s enough to make me forget about that Herbatal that just plummeted into the black hole along with the feces.

Next stop – adventure.

[Image via NASA]