5 Simple Steps to Writing Great Fiction (A How To) – Step 1

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Not everyone can sit down, like myself, and pump out a Tolstoy before breakfast (I mean that both literally and as a euphemism for shitting.) But for the millions of hack writers plugging away at their laptops in a Starbucks, taking valuable sitting space from people with real jobs, there exists two, or possibly three, true talents – wordsmiths, like myself, whose fingers act as a natural conduit for the truth, transmuting life into the written word.

Just as Michelangelo (the painter, not the turtle) carves and shaves his canvas of raw marble into the robustly-buttocksed David, the writer chisels away at the blank page to reveal the words hidden beneath, delivering a karate kick of truth to the head of the reader.

For some, like myself, the words pour forth with ease, like pepperoni cascading down onto a Pizza Hut-pizza. There they sit sizzling unspoken upon the tongue of the reader, like the pizza sauce on a pizza from Pizza Hut. But for some people, writing is a struggle, like scalding cheese upon the roof of one’s mouth… scalding cheese from a pizza. [see Blog Post on Similes, Metaphors, and Pepperoni Pizza]

So here it is, my secret method for writing. Read it, internalize it, print it out, read it again, tell your friends about it, let them know how superior you are, and then cut off all contact. Because they’re losers.


Step #1: Pick the first idea that pops into your head and run with it, forever.

Like choosing the answer to a multiple choice question or deciding to have a child, impulsiveness is key.

Anyone can master this, except the people who can’t. They mull over their options, carefully deciding a course of action, weighing the pros and cons. These people lack the will to write, the Eye of the Tiger-writer. If you can’t decide, you’re stupid and should stop. Go register in some engineering or nursing program and start wasting someone else’s time.

For the rest of you, read on. (Actually if you’re one of those other people, go ahead and keep reading too).

So here are some tips to develop your idea into a multi-million dollar powerhouse like Star Wars, Harry Potter or the Three Men and a Baby franchise.


Drugs and alcohol and drugs

Dr. Seuss acquired his money by penning all his garbled nonsense under the influence of tuzzy wiz wuzzlers, bullbozers, and fuzz wuzzlers. Not to mention tin diggers, bland wozzles, and fog shogglers – and large doses of intravenous methamphetamine injected between his toes. But because he lived in a time when banks did not securely chain pens to tables, he ended up with the means to write, entertaining children and annoying adults for decades.

It is a universally acknowledged truth that Jane Austen was hopped up on Kingsbury Tea – an illicit narcotic famous in Georgian-era England. This drug was well-known for its Society-destroying effect on the psyche of women, leaving them inexplicably attracted to dark, tall, handsome, brooding, rich men who were in want of a wife.

Thanks to this careless drug abuse, she is commonly cited as one of the greatest writers in the Western canon of literature, except for her script treatment of Encino Man 2, which was considered “pedestrian and tired,” though admittedly ahead of its time.

It should be noted that, regrettably, this article is being written sober.


Free association is like having thoughts, but without having to think.

Many authors – famous, talented authors – use free association and automatic writing as a clever loophole in the “writing process.”

The “cut-up technique,” which involves… cutting up things, was famously devised and employed by William S. Burroughs. In fact there are a few cases where entire novels were written this way using arbitrary restructuring and free association, such as Burrough’s The Soft Machine and God’s The Holy Bible. These techniques were especially appreciated amongst the Beat Generation of the 1950’s, because, by the twentieth century, art was no longer required to be good. [See Wikipedia: Modern Art]

These techniques not helping yet? Still struggling to find that idea you’re going to stake your family’s financial future upon? Make a word list! Try any arbitrary combination of these words and see if they help to flesh out your revolutionary idea for your next e-book trilogy: “Streets of Neo-Tokyo,” “zombies,” “erotic,” “New New York,” “ninja,” “dystopian,” “vampire,” “high school,” “pirates,” “wizard,” “Donald Trump,” “apocalypse,” “apocalyptic,” “apocarific,” “apocalyptastic,” “boob,” “spanking,” “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Apocalypticalifragilisticexpialidocious-sex”.

You want to write about The Erotic Vampire Sagas at Ninja High School? Back off my idea or I will cut you!

Thus concludes part one of my treatise on the writing process. Hopefully you’ve learned something here – that writing is one part drug use and one part delusion. In our next blog, I’ll tell you step 2 to becoming a world-class author, right after this delicious crack-cocaine.

Happy writing everyone!