A Sea of Stars For Christmas In Space

Captain’s Log – Christmas In My Lonely Space

Posted on Posted in Captain's Log
Stardate: 4926592.076
Space Weather: Clear nothingness
Feeling: Frightened, but too proud to admit it
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A Sea of Stars For Christmas In Space
A Sea of Stars For Christmas In Space

Day 14, still moving my lively shipment. The ship’s overheating. The cargo is eating itself. Disaster is imminent. But I must not forget Christmas, or the hundreds of thousands of soldiers who gave their lives in the First and Second Wars on Christmas.

In the spirit of the holiday, I conducted missionary work on a nearby planet – the holidays being the most forgivable time to violate the prime directive. I searched for a perfect world. One that has a Nitrogen atmosphere with between 18 and 24 percent Oxygen, orbits roughly 1 AU away from an appropriately sized M-class star, harbors conditions for snow and yuletide caroling, is inhabited by a sentient species with the requisite technology for chimneys, and has pine trees. The odds of finding such a world are astronomical, like everything else in space. That’s why I could only find 3 in the first sensor sweep.

I landed on the the choicest planet wearing a fake beard, halo and long robes, intent on bringing Christmas to the people the right way. I performed some traditional science tricks to assert my divinity on the local population. The residents proceeded to walk on water, for a moment, the ice was thin and most died horrible, horrible deaths. Regrettable, if not hilarious.

After several sectarian wars started and ugly sweaters came into fashion, a trend borne out of a irony that no one understood, I moved on to the second phase of Christmasization, changing from brown robes and a brown beard to red and white robes and a white beard.

It was at that point the locals falsely accused me of humbuggery on a planetary scale. Not a single resident agreed to wear green tights and make toys for me, much less shrink to the appropriate 2 – 3 feet height. Likewise, teleporting down families’ chimneys is considered a felony and is a gross violation of personal privacy on Planet Stuckup.

It was best to leave, I decided, regardless of the hordes of angry aliens. Vivian had prepared a great holiday meal on the ship. The roasting chestnuts and holiday cheer was even enough to overpower the smell of the Herbatals.

Not all the decorations have been successful. The thing we thought was a pine tree, it is now stalking us from the ventilation system. I believe it intends to eat us.

In case this is my last entry, merry Christmas to whoever dares open this log. End, day 14.